One Step Forward

Finally, after two weeks, we heard from the cancer center.  No rush, y'all, really.  It's only cancer.

Waiting for news, ANY news, during Thanksgiving was hard.  We had no idea what was going on, who was going to call us, or when we'd see a doctor again.  Meanwhile, the cancer kept growing.  Michael kept having terrible night sweats, horrible hot flashes, and constant struggles with his mood.  It was nice to see the boys for Thanksgiving, but after they left Michael had a bit of a break down.  What if this was the last Thanksgiving he would ever have? 

How can I answer that?  He may beat cancer and get hit by a bus.  No one can guarantee another year, but I tried my best to reassure him we were going to beat this.  We can't give in to anger or sadness.  So we put on brave faces and smiles, then lay in bed with the worries eating away at our sanity.

I was so angry with the cancer center, the doctors, everyone.  Michael is not a name and number on a sheet of paper.  He's a human being with feelings and family and people who love him.  He has scars from the past we've worked so hard to heal.  He is a wonderful person, full of life, and I watched it drain away each day with no news.  I didn't have any answers for him.  I didn't have any words to make him feel better.  I was so fit to be tied I would have picked a fight with a 300-pound pro boxer just to feel something other than frustration and worry.

And damn it all if "cancer" isn't posted on every thing under the sun.  Buses, cars, billboards, Facebook, TV commercials, news headlines, store fronts and merchandise displays.  EVERYTHING.  We can't get away from it if we try. 

Getting the call yesterday took a load off both our shoulders.  Finally, we are moving forward!  We saw the doc at 9am this morning and learned we have to... see another doctor.  Great.  At least they have Michael's PET scan set up.  That happens next Tuesday.  Then we see the Medical Oncologist on Thursday.  Then we'll set up a treatment plan, then we'll... then, then, then.  A host of endless thens.

I'm trying to stay positive, but the negative feeling will ambush me at times.  They are relentless, those little bastards.  I'll hear a song or see one of the endless sappy video's people post all over Facebook and boom, tears.  It's crazy.  And I still have menopause to look forward to.

Oi!