Soothing the Monster

There is a monster that lives inside me.  She is soulless, hateful, hurtful, and cold.  So very, very cold.  She likes to create chaos and watch the aftermath.  She likes to shred dignity and tear apart security.  She got loose after my divorce but I managed to minimize the damage.  She destroyed some good friendships that time.  So as you can guess, I like to keep her chained up.

Michael makes her purr.  She gave him a few testy swipes when we first got together, but he stopped that shit pretty quick.  She likes him.  She is content to lay there and let the world pass as long as he is near. 

So, as you can imagine, she is enraged with the concept of losing him.  She has jerked around in her chains so much she's rubbed her neck and hands raw.  Bleeding, furious, she wants out.  She wants to maim, destroy, and kill.  She wants to watch this city burn and then turn her sights on the world.  She won't be happy until this blue marble becomes a blackened, lifeless rock. 

I've tried talking to her but it's useless.  She's heard it all before.  There isn't anything I can say or offer to keep her quiet.  She only listens to one person now and that's Michael.  Like I said, I have her under tight lock and key so until this weekend Michael didn't even know she was upset.  But he saw her peeking out from behind my eyes.

He sat her down (she'll sit for him) and talked to her softly (she shuts up when he's around, too).  He told her she had to behave, no matter what happened, because I can't deal with the big C and her at the same time.  He patted her fiery head and made her promise to cool it.  He promised to come see her more, bring her some treats, and spend as much time with her as she needed.  This made her incredibly happy. 

Part of what was pissing her off was being hidden, being treated like a dirty little secret.  He knows she's there.  I forgot this.  There isn't a part of me Michael doesn't know.  And despite her appearance and violent tendencies, her loves her.  He loves her for her loyalty and passion.  He loves her for helping me survive when I couldn't do it on my own.  He loves her because he loves me.

He also promised her that if there is a time she's needed, he'll let her out.

Now she's curled up with her demented little teddy bear, snoozing away.  I'll hear her laughing every once in a while, I'm sure, and making inappropriate comments when she pleases, but this I can handle.